I was curling when it suddenly hit me that I was turning 29. Not because curling is for old people; it's a surprising amount of fun and requires remarkably little in the way of athletic ability. It may just be my new favourite sport. But has anything ever just hit you before - or after - it actually happened? Tomorrow is my birthday, but in my mind, I am already a year older. It's like when Felicity was three days old, she and I were both sound asleep in our dark hospital room. Suddenly she gave a little cry, and without even thinking I picked her up and started to feed her. That's when I realized "Okay. I'm a mom". You'd think I would have realized that when I found out I was pregnant, or when she kicked for the first time, or after 20 hours of fruitless, irritating labour. As I sat there stroking her hair while my eyes filled with tears from the pain - oh the pain - I knew I was not just any mother, I was hers.
So what does 29 mean? It's not scary, not coming too fast, not unexpected, after all, it is next in line after 28. I think more than the age is the stage I am in right now. My children are still young, but they are not babies. My husband and I still feel like children ourselves in that we don't have to take care of our own parents, yet we feel an incredible amount of responsibility and each step we take requires a heavy measure of forethought. I do feel that since I was 24 and got married, had babies, started following my husband instead of my own wims, that I have been in a bit of a fog and now that fog is lifting.
And I am lucky. SO lucky. I love my husband, my children, even this God-forsaken village that God Himself brought us to. I see so much in our future but I recognize that there are chances that are no longer mine to take, and that's just fine with me. I am proud of the life we live, and even though I am far from the perfect wife and mom the relationships I share with those I love most are more healthy, richer, deeper than I ever imagined. So far, 29's looking pretty good.
5 comments:
What a wonderful thing to see your children become the adults you always hoped they would become! It's funny about the risk thing - when you are young you think that old people get stuck in their ways and won't live life by taking risks, then at some tipping point you realize that, funny, not every risk is worth taking. And....even more so, if you take a risk that isn't right, it affects so many around you in a negative way. We took a risk moving back to Canada, but it was a calculated risk. Even though it was the right decision,and the general effect is positive, it has put many miles between us and the ones we love the most, and we can't get that back again. Ah, life - what funny stuff it is.
Happy Birthday Baby!
:o oh my gosh hannah! 2 blogs in one month!! We're making progress. I'm glad turning 29 went smoothly for you cuz usually i hear it's hard to take. But you have settled into your life gracefully and everything seems to be going great! I hope you had a very happy birthday!!!!
Love Kim
29? Pffft. Just wait until you're 33 and then you read about how the little sister of one of your classmates is turning 29 and how she has two kids and is totally this mature and responsible person.
I think I'll go remove all the mirrors now. :)
I actually think curling IS for old people, Hannah. :) Great to read about your life up North!
You might be right about that one, Betsy.
Post a Comment